I know it’s been too long since you’ve heard from me.
In fact, in my memory, I promised to write you,
just after we met, and had this wildly joygasmic experience together.
I’m so sorry I didn’t message you back,
I’m sorry I didn’t write when I meant to.
I was busy being stuck in my own shit.
This last decade kicked my ass.
I don’t know about you,
maybe you’ve had a wild ride too.
Discovering what it is to be a conscious being…
and how much programing and culture I had ontop of that pure heart.
I’ve spent the last 10 days in personal retreat,
journaling, crying, meditating, clearing
and making room for the next 10 years to come.
So I can be a brand new slate, without any attachment to this crazy journey of the 2010-19.
Because 10 years ago I was drunker than a fish, being the chick
who wore tight dresses (which I’m still doing.. lol)
who loved to make sure we got an extra 3 pitchers and a round of shots (or two) at last call.
Who then stayed till 4am, pining for her drunk boyfriend to come home and fuck her and then feel murderous rage when he’d do just that and then roll over and fall asleep.
That woman, she lived in a constant state of self pity, self loathing, and self destruction.
And the craziest thing of all was
she didn’t even realize it.
Because that woman was unaware,
that woman had no boundaries,
she had no fucking clue what an awakening journey was,
she could give a crap about other people or herself.
In fact she’d entered into that life “looking to fuck her life up”
find some cocaine addicted cooks to work with
and end up in a gutter, because that’s what she felt she deserved.
Instead of got a baby I wasn’t expecting,
a divine 2×4 upside the head,
and the awakening journey of my lifetime! lol
It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t always fun,
I’d feel mystical presence throughout my body,
and I thought I was awakened,
Then I hated myself as I went through the exact same pity party
exactly the same way.
I thought I’d transcended self loathing,
only to find a more refined version of it,
so subtle I barely even knew it was there,
except that it showed up every day,
full of anxiety and judgment
asking to be loved.
I judged myself for not being “far enough along the path”
I even gave up on improving myself for 2 years,
and ran away through substances
more than I’d like to admit.
But life has a way of continuing to happen
the sun keeps rising, the sun keeps settting,
and so along the way I also traveled to 16 countries, 4 continents,
and raised a beautiful babe into a big 9 year old kid!
sometimes it was JoyGasmic,
sometimes it was heartbreaking.
Often it was both in quick succession.
leaving me dizzy and confused
about who I was,
or what I was here to do.
But along the way, I continued with #kaizen
(constant small improvements)
and I worked to improve myself just a little
day after day.
I worked hard to see the challenge as an opportunity to grow
to see the pain as a sign of a place to heal,
to see myself as growing, and learning along the way.
Today I’m so happy to be living #wokeAF
hahaha, whatever that means.
I’m kidding, I know what it means.
It means that I know I am on this awakening journey,
that I am the path and the way,
to my own experience of bliss in my nervous system.
that I am always learning, and have much to grow into
and that I am dedicated to that, and being of service to others
I now live life, mostly peaceful,
mostly loving, and
feeling clear in my voice
and being even more of myself.
I’ve spent time pondering the lessons I’ve learned, and the woman I have become,
and I’m greatful for the whole journey.
I can stand here and instead of blaming my past decisions,
I can celebrate that I cleaned out all that pain,
learned how to dedicate myself to my tools and practices,
and am so excited to be sharing this in an even more powerful way.
I love you %FIRSTNAME%, you were there for me when my life was more messy than beautiful, and even though I didn’t reach out to you, I knew you were there, and curious about what I had to say, and that gave me the courage to keep going on when things were tough all the time.
So I’ll be writing more often now,
and sharing with you first,
because you’ve been there all along.
I promised my future self,
that I would start today
and so here I am.
Ps. Here’s a powerful 5 minute video I made just for you to re-program your brain to believe that anything can change. I made it for you, so you could get a taste of the kind of powerful personal work I’m doing every day for myself and with others.