I see her walk to the doorway at the back of the room, and look inside. She looks curious, interested and afraid. She stands there momentarily and I can almost hear the thoughts wearing through her brain. If I walk through this door i’ll have to join them, I have to do what they’re doing, I might even enjoy it, it will probably challenge me, but I will be committed as soon as I walk through the door. She hesitates a moment and then turns away.
I look away from the door, at the row of smiling faces sitting in front of me, legs crossed, hands on knees, practising the ancient art of contemplation and breathing (aka meditation).
There’s not much to it, what we’re doing. Yet it is terrifying to the mind. To sit still with the discomfort of the million things as it to do lists. To sit still with the trembling emotions in the wailing howls of the anxious and overdrawn mind.
I do not blame her for her fear or her trepidation, we each begin the journey when we are ready at our time. And I have stood many times at the back of the room, looking, watching, terrified, waiting.
Later when we speak she says, “it’s just not for me. I can’t imagine sitting still with all the things that I need to do today. “
I smile at her and allow her her excuse. We all have excuses and I have mine just as she does, Just for different things. The quality of her stories and thoughts that she shares at the dinner table make me think that she needs to be in that room practising more than anyone else here.
I wonder at the same question I have pondered for years if not decades now, how is it that we have so deep prioritized peace of mind when the enjoyment of life is all we are here for.
What doors are you standing on the edge of, what will it take for you to finally say yes to yourself and walk through?