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As Mr. R and I got to know each other online, each time we talked we each brought questions for each other.  What we really wanted to know about each other, and (for me) what I needed to know about him before I could move forward with falling love. 

These questions resulted from my search for healthy love.  I encourage you to ask them throughout any relationship to bring more awareness to the things that really matter in the quality of relating you and your partner.

First Date Questions

  • Tell me about your spiritual path over the last 5 years.
  • What are your biggest goals for yourself in the next 5 years.
  • What do you hope to receive from this relationship?
  • Tell me about your relationship with your family?
  • What is a situation that’s been challenging lately?
  • What’s your biggest achievement so far in your life?
  • Who are your most important relationships?
  • What do you dream for yourself in romantic relationship?
  • How would you describe your sense of humour?How do you feel about sarcasm? 
  • Describe an experience from your past where you were transformed.
  • Who are your closest/longest friends?
  • Imagine you have a job and me as your lover and we’re traveling, and we have 3 kids, and your part time gig, and life gets more hectic, what do you cut? 
  • What do I want provided for me by my partner?
  • What do I want to provide for my partner?
  • What will I accept, as minimum, and what is possible, and what would break your heart open to love?
  • What else should I know about you?
  • Is what I’m seeing in this person, what I really want?

Past Relationships (who we were before)

  • What needs have you felt have been unmet in past relationships?
  • Why did you end your last relationship?
  • Are you friends with your ex-partners?
  • What patterns have you seen in yourself in relationship?
  • What are the recurring patterns have you seen your partners?

Family History

  • Tell me about your family, who’s your favourite family member?
  • Who do you have the most challenge with?

Before Sexuality Experiences

  • What are your standards/needs before engaging in physical/energetic intimacy?
  • What are your personal boundaries that need to be set/acknowledged before engaging in penetrative intimacy?
  • Desires around pregnancy/parenting
  • Past partnership/risk factors for STI’s.
  • Plans/desires for condoms/birth control in your partnership.
  • What challenges have you experienced in your sexuality?
  • What are your favorite kinks, curiosities and fantasies?
  • What are you clear is completely off limits for you in relation to sexuality?
  • What do you fantasize about tryingwith a partner?
  • What are some things you’ve done sexually in the past you would like to explore again?

Post Intimacy Snapshot

After you make love, take a moment to share with each other:

  • What are some of the most exciting, connected, or memorable moments from this experience?

Relationship Building Questions

  • How do you want to love your partner?
  • How do you want to be loved by your partner?
  • What are your love languages? 
  • How have you experienced your love needs being met in a good way?
  • What are your fears about being in a committed realtionship?
  • What are your deepest hopes about being in committed relationship?
  • How long do you think is a reasonable time frame for you to wait before moving in together or getting married? 
  • What experiences or benchmarks would you need to meet before moving in together or getting married?

Dates 10-30 – Creating Future Visions
What do you see for yourself in the areas of:

  1. Parenting
  2. Sexuality
  3. Social Life
  4. Career
  5. Purpose
  6. Quality of Life
  7. Life Vision

Next month, 6 months from now, 1 year from now, 5 years from now.

If your kids are still young or if you’re thinking about having more kids talk about your ideas around:

  • School/Unschool
  • Medical Birth/Homebirthing/Freebirthing
  • Dreams for your children
  • Santa and holidays
  • Discipline and permissiveness
  • How many kids you want
  • What timeline would make sense to you for having those kids?
  • What are your fears around being a parent
  • What are the things your parents did that you absolutly want to avoid?
  • What are the things your parents did that you absolutely want to emulate?

Every 2 weeks 

  • What is most important for me to know about you in the last 2 weeks?
  • What (if any) are the unresolved issues between us?
  • Is there anything we need to talk about that we haven’t talked about?
  • What are some of the highlights of the last 2 weeks for you?

After 1 month 

  • What has surprised you the most about your relationship so far?
  • What has been the most pivotal moments of your relationship thus far?
  • What have you learned from your most recent past romantic relationship? 
  • What are the patterns of thought or identity have you noticed that are not supportive?
  • What do we provide for each other?
  • What’s unique about our relationship? 
  • What can we count on each other for?
  • What commitments have we made to each other and what do you want next?
  • What are the next steps in bringing your lives closer together?

Quarterly (every 3 months)

  • When does it get hard to stay in love?
  • What do you do when it gets hard?
  • Whats the most important aspect of making your relationship work in your opinion?
  • Whats is one thing people overlook in relationship?
  • Whats is one thing you’ve overlooked in our relationship?
  • Is there anything about me you find unattractive?
  • What do you find most attractive about me?
  • How do we feel in relation to our love making? 
  • What have we done that helped us to feel safe?
  • What did we implement that helped to bring mindfulness in?
  • Where are we at in terms of alignment on our vision for next 5 years?
  • What is the masculine’s partner’s vision for who his highest vision of himself is?
  • What do we need to do to begin a plan to move our lives physically closer together/clear outline of how we want to progress and move forward with this?

Questions for Life Partnership

  • What would make this relationship an undeniable yes in your mind, heart and body?

What do we see for ourselves in (x time) in the areas of:

  1. Parenting
  2. Sexuality
  3. Social Life
  4. Career
  5. Purpose
  6. Quality of Life
  7. Life Vision

Next month, 6 months from now, 1 year from now, 5 years from now.

  • What has surprised you the most about our relationship so far?
  • What has been the most pivotal moments of our relationship thus far?
  • What are the things we’ve experienced that make it obvious that we are meant to be together in this way?

Checking in about Commitment at 6 months

  • What are your dreams for our family? How does that compare with what you see now?
  • What commitments have we made to each other, and what do you/I/we want next?
  • What do we provide for each other?
  • What’s unique about our relationship? 
  • What can we count on each other for?
  • What are the next steps in bringing our lives closer together?
  • Is there anything about me you find unattractive?
  • What do you find most attractive about me?
  • Are there any situations that have been challenging in our relationship?
  • Are there any negative recurring patterns that you might have seen yourself acting in?
  • What (if any) are the unresolved issues between us?
  • Is there anything we need to talk about that we haven’t shared?
  • What do you now want to receive from our relationship?
  • What do we want provided for us by our partnership?
  • What do I want provided for me by my partner?
  • What do you want provided for you as my partner?
  • What do I now know as the baseline of understanding in our relationship?
  • From that point of knowing, what else is now possible?  
  • What would open our hearts to love each other, even deeper?
  • Is what I’m experiencing in relationship now, what I really wanted?
  • What else might we want, now that we’re here together?
  • What are some of the most stand out memories from this last 3 months, 
  • Could we even count how many amazing moments of connected, exciting, and pleasurable connection we’ve had from this time that we’ve been together?
  • What do you fantasize about doing with me as your partner?
  • What do you wish I would do to you more?
  • What do you wish you could do to me more?
  • Tell me about any kinks, curiosities and fantasies that you might have thought about in the past that you might still be interested in exploring now with me. 
  • What, if any, challenges have you experienced in your sexuality, sensuality, expectations, desires, passions, or other experiences have you had in relation to me?
  • What have been areas where you’ve seen yourself grow even deeper in connection with yourself or me in relation to your sexuality?

I just wanted to reach out to share our good news and ask for support if it feels good to you to offer it. (No pressure either way!)

Raising a baby used to be something we did in a village. As part of our family who care about us, you likely would have stopped in and shared a meal, a hug, or taken my dog for a walk. Because of our travels, our village is all over the world, and often not right next door.  We miss you, especially in this vulnerable journey of new parenthood.

We moved to a new town in September, and have had a beautiful time connecting in with local community of birth workers and new friends.  

Asking feels so very weird, but receiving is a skill I’m practicing as a pregnant woman and soon to be a new mom. So here we go.
We have received much of what we need so far, and there are still a few things that we are looking for to feel really prepared for our baby and this transition to parenthood.

I’d love your support whether it’s a quick voice/note wishing us well, a word of advice about what really worked for you in parenting a newborn (or preteen!!), checking in on us in late March/April/May after baby is here, sending $20 or more that helps fund a traditional closing the bones ceremony, or having me be a well massaged mama goddess, nourished with all the best foods and herbal teas, or money towards our rent so Dan can put his work hat down for longer and snuggle our baby even more.

Every bit makes a difference. There’s no pressure or expectation from us either way.  Thank you for helping us learn how to receive, and restoring the village.
You can check out my baby registry list to see what we plan to purchase, or do so yourself directly. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nupLCoHnUeikzwJG1FVxH6Yf5jQLxpndOLFrPSkAs-E/edit?usp=sharing

You can also etransfer or paypal directly to elena@evolvinghumanity.com

For local/visiting friends check out our Mealtrain requests here  https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/vz1o86  and consider if it might work for you to come out to Kimblerley for 4-7 days in late March/April/May to help us with baby care, laundry, keeping our dog walked, or other householding things.

Circle with Women Who Get You

Yearning for a community of like minded moms?
Want a safe place to ask questions about your Childbearing Journey?
HEar stories of Inspiring Home/Free/Joygasmic Births?
Be Listened to compassionately in your highs and lows?
Get access to a highly trained group of Alternative practitioners?

Below are the guidelines that we ask all women to agree to before joining so we have a clear container to all feel safe sharing in.

This is a support group focussed on physical, mental and spiritual issues in pregnancy, birth preparation and mothering for women who are wanting births that fall within the realm of:

  • Home birth,
  • physiological birth,
  • autonomous birth,
  • joygasmic birth,
  • orgasmic birth,
  • free birth, or
  • traditional midwife supported birth.

In our regular attendees we have women who are:

  • herbalists, wise women, traditional birthkeepers, women trained by Gloria Lemay, ex-midwives, ex-doulas
  • moms of homebirthed and freebirthed babes, (and a few who chose medwifes for their own reasons and/or got caught in the cascade of interventions),
  • energy healers, massage therapists, chiropractors and naturopaths,
  • Homeschoolers, unschoolers, and a few normal schoolers too,
  • superfood lovers, medicinal mushroom microdosers, cannabis advocates, bone broth lovers and vegans, 
  • cloth diaper mamas, placenta encapsulators and eaters, baby wearing and Elimination Communication consultants and experienced moms
  • pre-conception women, pregnant women, postpartum women, mothers of pre-teens/teens

Our main goal is to provide a safe, loving, supportive space to share wise woman wisdom as we Claim Back our power as Birthing women.

Generally the women who show up here are into:

  • Healthy whole food eating, (healthy eating may mean plant based to one person, it may mean bone broth & raw milk to another person. This is OKAY!)
  • Spiritual development, yoga, meditation, (Christian/Hindu/Buddhist/Pegan, doesn't matter to us as long as you are okay with sharing space with others beliefs)
  • Autonomous/sovereign/physiological birth practices,
  • Being evolutionary/conscious mothers,
  • Doing the inner shadow work to stop intergenerational trauma

I have had the groups covid vaccine standpoint come up as a question. It’s kind of funny actually because we’re meeting up digitally, so I didn’t think it was particularly an issue. Last I heard you can’t catch germs through the internet. 😉  

The group will not be a good fit for women who think mandatory/nonconsensual/coercive c-sections, epidurals, induction or vaccination are a fabulous or necessary choice that should be loyally adhered to or pushed on others. 

I do understand the world is polarized in a really challenging way right now and I ask that members of the group keep their eye on the focus of supporting each other as mothers regardless of the choices we make about our bodies and vaccines. 

Mostly our group just talks about pregnancy stuff like we might’ve in 2018. You know before all the other stuff happened. We don't talk about vaccines or covid much and we'd like to keep it that way. 

We can hold different viewpoints and desires without asking everyone to be just like us.  Focusing on our similarities makes us stronger.

For example last year we had a mom who was planning on free birthing and another mom who already had a free birth but was choosing midwife support this time around. They were able to share space and co-support each other without needing to challenge each other’s viewpoints. I personally had fears within myself for both of them based on what I heard in conversation.  I did my own shadow work around trying to control other people’s lives/outcomes and let them prepare how they wanted.  When it came time to birth I let go and put full trust in them to manage their own births in ways that worked for them. They were both happy with their birth outcomes, and I learned to let go a little more. The entire experience was nourishing and supportive for all of us.

The primary focus is on self responsibility, shadow work, and extracting ourselves from medical patriarchy as it shows up in the birth world. Everybody’s interpretation of that is going to be a little bit different.  

Sound good so far?

Use the form below to apply to join the group. Then you will get info on joining the chat and calls. 

#MeToo Stories
Can we publish your story?
Display My Name As:
Do you feel you need further support to come to a place of peace about this?
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We are here to support each other.

Frequently Asked Questions

When is the call?

The group meets every Monday from 1:00-2:30pm MST on zoom.

Two weeks a month we have "expert talks", or women share their birth stories. One week a month Elena offers teachings from the Joygasm body of work, I generally record these sessions. 

The other week we have a "what's challenging/celebrating" checkin chat where it's more informal and we get to know eachother better. These are generally not recorded.

What does it cost?

The Wyld Mama Membership is run by donation, with people paying what they can on a sliding scale $5-150 a month, sharing testimonials about their experiences or giving guest talks about subjects they're passionate or knowledgeable about.

Giving a donation or sharing a talk gets you access to a growing library of online courses and embodiment practices that I have put together, and recordings of past workshops. We think it's a great value.

Can I listen to recordings instead?

Many of our "expert talks" are recorded and available to members who have donated.

Depending on the teachers preferences and financial model I sometimes share recordings on The Joygasmic Life podcast and YouTube channel (along with a ton of other Elena content bits).

Philosophy of Care

What about Circumcision?

Elena (the founder of the group) is definitely anti circumcision and will speak up if someone is considering circumcision for their baby.  She also respects personal privacy and will not ask you about your son or partner's penis' unless you bring it up first. 😉

She also loves men who have been circumcised, they are human beings too and deserve our compassion for the horrible un-consensual mutilation done to their penis' and by extension their central nervous system.

If you're personally on the fence, check out bloodstainedmen.com or listen to this podcast with a 60 year old anti-circumcision activist.  It's boner chilling.  Your son (and his future sexual partners) deserve access to the full pleasure designed into our nervous system.  

At the very least they should be allowed to make the choice themselves when they can think about it. 

What about Induction?

The space holders of the group believe that babies choose their own time of arrival and that many of western medicine's tests (including the pregnancy test, check out my podcast about it here) are designed to strip women of their connection to intuitive knowledge and power.  

While Elena chose a completely Wild Pregnancy and birth for her 2nd pregnancy, some of our moms engage with some form of western medical "diagnosis" or "care" in their pregnancies.  Some start their pregnancies with OB's or medwives and through finding sisterhood support in our group decide to fire them. This is personal choice.

We generally discourage medical induction (balloon catheter, sweeping of membranes, breaking of waters, pitocin), as well as "natural" induction methods (castor oil, essential oils) in favor of rest, patience, nourishment, hydration, natural oxytocin and letting mother nature do her thing through you.

Again, it's your body and your choice.

What about "Medically Necessary" Emergency c-Sections?

The space holders of the group believe that given time, patience, safety, nourishment and support babies are best brought into the world vaginally and with minimal interference.

Many women come to free birthing because of a past medical trauma birth so if you have had children this way we won't hold it against you. 😉 Instead we would love to hold you, while you find your inner knowing and power. 

There may be a few situations in which c-sections/interventions are a viable option for mom/baby, and we are grateful to be living in a world where if a true medical emergency (a nuchal arm for example) arose most of us have the option of western medicine vs death.

While western allopathic doctors are useful for acute trauma care (ie, car accident, broken bones, a nuchal arm), a lot what is called "medicine" is actually policy/profit/insurance driven and causes a tremendous amount of harm.  For chronic conditions, women's bodies, and birth we prefer to seek out alternative modalities and knowledges that offer love and compassion, look for root causes and offer full recovery. 

You are free to decide your own path.

Join The Next Call

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Do you feel you need further support to come to a place of peace about this?
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I love sauna and supposedly you’re not supposed to do it while Pregnant (along while a whole bunch of other fun/yummy things).

But I really wanted to keep using the Sauna because… well it’s kind of addictive, it makes winter way up north managable, and it’s a great way to get a detoxing sweat on without having to do much work (other than gather firewood, and do the towel laundry)

Mainstream media says it’s dangerous, but 99% of North American people don’t actually sauna much anyways. So I decided to dive into the research and see what was going on amongst populations that actually sauna as part of their culture.. The Finnish, Sweedish and Russians.


The Finnish have some of the highest fertility rates in the world, putting a kybosh on the theory that the heat of sauna causes lower sperm motility in men.

The sauna was also a traditional Finnish birthing place, because it was often the cleanest and most sterile room in the house.

Here are some of articles I’ve referenced in dedicing that it is okay to sauna while preganant

So I decided to dive into the research and see what was real.  Here are some of articles I’ve referenced in deciding that it is okay to sauna while preganant.






I first came to orgasmic birth through research about physiological birth.

It was then that I realized that the natural hormones of birth endorphins, DMT and oxytocin were all present and part of creating that fabled “hour afterglow” of bonding and love that so many mothers (myself included) have distrupted by medical birth. 

I now like to call the successful achievement of that afterglow a Joygasmic moment of birth.

Talking to Debra Pascali-Bonoro helped me realize that orgasmic birth is a whole spectrum, from any moment of pleasure in birth to the famed birth orgasm.

I then realized that (just like sex) seeking after an orgasm in birth is likely not the best way to get there. 

I’ve looked to the surrender of hypnobirthing to the waves of surges, the stories of mothers who have had painful births, then processed their trauma (and past sexual trauma) and gone on to have beautiful births, and drawn the conclusion that trauma stored in the body and unprocessed leads to some of the pain in birth. 

In focusing on sharing stories about orgamic birth I like to think I am breaking the box of painful birth mythos.  Many women are only seeking a pain free birth and are missing the very beautiful biological fact that birth is meant to be a pleasurable transcendent marathon of love.

Are you kidding me? Birth HURTS!

Having given birth to my son vaginally I know the intensity of birth and had a hard time conceptualizing that those sensations could be seen as pleasurable untill I heard Amber Hartnel’s story about having learned to transmute pain into pleasure as she was beaten as a young child. I could see how this then naturally translated into her famous and giggly orgasmic birth video.

Like great intimacy, sometimes birth requires us to sob, ask for help and brings us to our knees. That doesn’t mean it can’t also be pleasurable at other moments, and to ignore one or the other is to deny the totality that is birth.

Don’t know there’s a problem

Know there’s a problem, but don’t know what to do to fix it

Know there’s a problem and do know what to do to fix it

Fix part of the problem, discover a new problem.

Fix that problem, discover a new problem

Discover you have a habit of creating/finding problems to heal, and work with that

Create a new habit of loving life vs healing self

Create a new experience of loving life and face the still constricted parts of yourself

Having a habit of lovingly holding the constricted parts of self, notice they don’t show up a much anymore

Intentionally stretch goal yourself to discover more parts that are hidden

Create a morning practice that lets you go through that process in 10 min instead of having things come up during your day. 

Love life & experience it full of blessings.

Short term…

  1. Put CBD oil into your vagina.

2. Lay on your back and press on your womb through your belly with two fingers pushing down as hard as is comfortable and breath out. Hold your breath for 3 sec. Big breath in and release the hold on your womb. Repeat several times. It will re-focus the tension in your hips.

3. Go for a walk

4. Orgasm

Longer term…

5. Difficult periods are linked to blocked blood vessels in your uterus and so it’s working extra hard to push/contract the blood through it. After your period ends do a vaginal steam with just water or herbs for 10 minutes (Contact me if you want more info on how to do this safely)

6. Look into dietary things that cause inflammation (dairy, sugar, wheat, food dyes)

7. Take magnesium before/during your period (this is why we crave chocolate, but most chocolate has sugar/milk in it which increases inflammation and bad gut bacteria overgrowth)

8. Reduce your stress during the month, or find a better stress management solution (try my 5 Fantastic Fingers technique)

9 Switch from tampons or pads to a diva cup or free bleeding. Conventional menstrual products (tampax etc) have been bleached and will leach it into your vagina!!!! increasing the toxic load your body needs to dump every month.

10. Take at least an hour before/during your period to scream/cry/journal out anything you were upset about during the month.

I experienced massive post-partum depression and later bipolar disorder after the birth of my son. I never took western medicine pills, for fear of becoming stuck for life on them as so many do. So I suffered in silence, my sadness hidden under a sunny outside personality in various ways for 7 years.

I tried many mental strategies for dealing with my emotions which helped some, but it wasn’t until I encountered Dr. Patrick Holford‘s work that I really made progress on true healing.

Holford offers nutrition advice but leans heavily on supplements. I now prefer whole foods and superfoods which I think are a better solution long term (see my article about superfoods I eat daily – coming soon!). However supplementation is a great start for those used to taking pills to help their mental health. Not all supplements are equal and it’s important to watch out for additives like silica, titanium dioxide, and many others.

When recovering from bipolar disorder a great resource for quality supplements was TrueHope which also has a phone support line that was really helpful when I was using their products. They seemed really well educated and specialize in mental health recovery for those with intense mental health symptoms or who are coming off western meds.

Holford’s book is awesome but also repetitive as he covers similar nutrition info for many different symptoms. Just read the chapter on the symptoms you are experiencing and try those things first.

I had good results within 1-2 weeks of taking magnesium, zinc, lecithin, fish oils, and a multivitamin. (See my article about vitamins here) I also added high dose CBD later and it helped a lot in managing/masking my anxiety. Ideally you want to get off any “masking” tools eventually.

If you haven’t already considered reducing/eliminating Gluten/Dairy/Sugar I would highly recommend starting with that first. (Plugging the wholes in the bucket before adding good things to help)

His description of what sugar/dairy/gluten/nicotine/cigarettes do to increase neuro-inflamation in the mentally unstable, schizophrenic or psychosis experiencers was enough to get me off all of them permanently!

Many mental health troubles stem from the gut, so a pro-biotic like a locally farmers market/human produced and NON pasteurized kombucha/kefir/sauerkraut/cashew cheese is a good substitute addictive food your body will learn to crave. lol

Consider adding in something like VTOX from Vasayo, or a psyllium husk powder/charcoal powder in the evening away from food to help your body bond to toxins that your body is clearing overnight (this is what causes the exhaustion generally)

Once gut healing work is done you don’t need to stay dependent on the supplements/probiotics, but do need to keep your diet free of inflammatory foods as long as you are symptomatic (constipation/diarrhea/mood instabilities/excess gas) within 48 hours of eating them.

Often the biggest issue in recovery is relapse into these foods. So removing the underlaying patterning which causes well meaning people to relapse into patterns of poor digestive care.

I’m not a trained nutritionist, but I have studied extensively in my recovery and have recovered in a way that is very meaningful to me and my family. I have also helped others to remove their cravings/compulsion to eat those things that don’t help and stick to their healing programs.

If that is something that you need help with I’d be happy to offer my services to support your journey. Connect with me if you feel you would benefit from this kind of support.

Imagine a spiral shell. At the center the segments are tiny, but as the shell grows they get larger and larger.  The Circles of Commitment (COC) is based on the concept of this shell and the expanding sacred Fibonacci sequence. 

Each segment is a clear individual period of time, yet it is inextricably linked to the others that come before and after it.  Whether we work with it consciously or not, a lifelong commitment involves thousands of these phases.  Utilizing circles of commitment involves moving consciously together from section of time, one level of commitment, to the other.  By using mutually chosen reasonable timeframes, this concept can be used to allow you to choose exactly how and how fast you want to expand your connection. 

In contrast, the standard “white picket fence and kids” future is often called an “elevator relationship” one where once you hop on the elevator, you just keep going. You meet, stop dating others, get married, have kids, (maybe an unfortunate divorce) or end up living happily-ish ever after. The elevator keeps moving and only on one track as decided by a mass media.  Some people really want that specific track while others want to evolve their relationships differently and that is totally fine.  I encourage you to do it however it feels right for you. 

Imagine the ridiculousness of meeting somebody and going. “Wow, you seem great let’s spend the rest of our life together for no reason other than I think you’re a hottie.” (I’ve done this btw, wouldn’t recommend it.)

No wonder men (and women) pull back from commitment, when there’s so little evidence to be able to make such a vast decision on. This is part of why the 100 Questions to Fall in Love and COC are so helpful. 

For healthy, expanding love it’s important to be able to know and dialog around the relationship you really want to be in.  To determine what exactly you are committing too, and for how long.

Regardless of whether you haven’t met him yet, are just starting out or are years into a marriage, you can and should talk openly and clearly with your partner about what you’re hoping the relationship will be in the next 3, 6 and 12 months.

If you are in a new relationship, it’s important to recognize that talking about those big dreams, does NOT mean they will actually happen with this person.  Having big conversations about your future dreams can be an exhilarating part of early relationship.  Or it can show you that this relationship is likely not a good idea, and give you the opportunity to get out before you’ve invested too much time.  It’s important to remember that in that first 1-12 months of relationship you are just feeling them out to see if they’ll be a good fit for what you want. If they aren’t, remember your dreams don’t have to die. Be grateful for the opportunity to clarify what you do and don’t want, and then find someone who matches even better and try again.

If you’re in an established relationship, COC can be used to make conscious changes to the areas of your life that could use improvement.  Whether that’s premature ejaculation, your lack of a sex life, the wild orgasms you feel are possible for you or exploring wanting to move on.  Using small circles of commitment allows you to talk about your relationship transitions where you move from from one version of “you and me” to a different experience of “you and me”.  Regardless of whether or not you end up staying with your partner or moving on to the next one, the growth you do through consciously having the uncomfortable conversations and doing the inner inquiry is the golden ticket that allows you to experience the next level of embodiment of your pleasure goddess self. Lean into the challenge, breathe, check your projections and expectations and you will grow.

The Circles of Commitment concept allows you to expand naturally towards your big dreams of a conscious committed relationship in whatever speed and whatever manner makes most sense to you both. 

In the first month talk about what you imagine your future to look like.  While you do this feel your body as you/they talk about the future.  If it feels open and expansive that’s great!  If it feels worried then bring those things up. Seeing how your potential future partner handles those worries is crucial information about how they will handle future challenges. By clearly sharing your desires and expectations in that first month it will save you a lot of heartache down the road. You are consciously building a great foundation for your relationship.  

Especially if you’re looking for a long term conscious relationship having these conversations will give you real life experience about how this person handles conflict, growth opportunities, commitment and challenge. This is all crucial data that will let you know whether the person that you’re talking about having a relationship with is actually capable of the kind of communication that is required in order to have healthy long term love. 

You might be wondering what does the circle of commitment look? 

The first commitment is one to talk to get to know each other to see what each of you is actually dreaming of having and being in your future relationship. This is just as applicable if you are starting a new relationship as it is if you are re-kindling or trying to rescue a dull marriage you’ve tuned out from.  

NOTE: Other people may be searching for casual romance, excitement in their life, a cuddle buddy, or a sexy friend.  That makes the questions and the commitments you are making with each other really different (see the Safer Sex Elevator Speech Chapter).  Actually this possibility makes it even more crucial to ask pointed and powerful questions to avoid broken hearts, unmet expectations or mis-matched commitment levels.  

It’s powerful to say “Let us spend the next month (online) dating like we’ve put our whole hearts into this relationship, get to know what we are hoping for, expecting and desiring.  We can then check in, see if that’s even a match and see if we want to deepen our commitment at the end of the month.”  Especially for men, these clear expectations and boundaries are really helpful in dealing with those who don’t want to commit, or are looking for something really different than you are. 

When I birthed this concept I was a jaded and heartbroken 33 year old woman with a 9 year old son, 6 ex-boyfriends under my belt since my son was born and a handful of one night stands with “eligible hotties” that had turned into nothing. 

I was feeling the biological pressure to “find Mr. Right and make the babies I always dreamed of” right freaking now. I didn’t want to mess around with another 9 month journey with a soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend, so it was super important for me to ask questions to clarify whether “this hot tinder dude” was:

  1. interesting to me
  2. interested in me, 
  3. wanted something similar to what I wanted in the future, 
  4. was open to the idea of co-parenting my 9 year old
  5. excited to have kids
  6. had processed his past trauma
  7. was actually willing to commit and show up to those shared dreams
  8. showed that he could actually do that and work on issues that came up
  9. capable of fathering kindly in real life situations
  10. After 6 months in the trenches of co-parenting still wanted to stick around to make those OTHER dreams come true.

The timeline on that “getting to know you” conversation can be a week, three months or three years, depending on what you’re both wanting for the speed of developing your relationship.  

If you’re already living together and working on some issues recognize that this can take longer.  Lets face it, the hassles of daily life, kids, jobs will get in the way.

If you’ve just met you’ll likely be chomping at the bit to have these conversations. Good!  

A) If you’ve already got an interesting prospect you’re talking to – Download the 100 questions to fall in love

B) Want to keep playing along? Buy the book

What does it take to have your your wildest dreams come true? Clarity, persistence, bravery, patience, and aligning with the power of joygasmic syncro-destiny. I had wanted to go to Afest since I heard about it. In 2015 I got my courage together and applied. They kindly said I wasn’t afest material. I was sad.

Later I traveled from my “home” in Indonesia to Kuala Lumpur on trip to renew my travel visa. I figured while I was there I would visit the headquarters of MindValley anyways. <clarity> They were one of my hero companies. A personal development & marketing company I had been following for years.

I under-prepared for my drive from Ubud to the airport and was 30 minutes late by the time I got to the gate. I remember running as fast as I could down long empty hallways. The plane was also late and I arrived as they were boarding. <syncro-destiny>

I got off the plane in Kuala Lumpur not actually knowing where Mindvalley was. No problem. I google mapped the building location and when I got there (after missing my train stop, and reading the map incorrectly) <persistence> I was dismayed to not find a giant sign at street level saying “Mindvalley”. lol

I stood in the street, wondering how I would find them. <patience>

I located a blonde lady who I guessed was likely being an employee and asking her if she worked there. I told her I wanted to visit and express my gratitude for their work, but that I wasn’t able to figure out which building it was in. <bravery> She said told me which tower, and the floor number. YES!

I did not have an appointment, but I said yes when the impressive front desk security asked if I did, praying they wouldn’t actually check. I reluctantly handed my passport to them as ID collateral for entering the building. <bravery>

I made my way to the correct floor and I arrived at a glass door that had the words “Mindvalley > Push humanity forward” on it. I had arrived.

I could see through the glass the inside of the office but I knew that MY thumb was not going to unlock that high tech door! There was a human on the other side.

I knocked on the glass and for the second time that day said “I really love the work you guys do, and I would love to say thank you to your employees!” <bravery> He looked at me like I was a bit crazy, and said, “tours are on Friday, you can book a time to come back tomorrow.” This did not deter me. “I have a return flight to Bali in about 8 hours, so tomorrow won’t work. Maybe I could just SIT in the front office and soak up the vibe?”

He told me I could sit there while he checked with someone else. Another lady came back and very coldly said “No, why don’t you go check out the local museum or butterfly park” and walked me out the door.

I knew there was NO WAY I was bluffing my way past that bottom floor security guard twice today. Or past that stern lady. I had 8 more hours to spend before my flight and I wasn’t ready to go yet.

So I sat on the floor just outside the office where the stern woman couldn’t see me. I cried a little bit about how much being rejected made me feel unworthy of actually having my dream, but then found my way back to being giddy with joy for being so close! <patience>

As people exited the office I babbled joyfully at them. <persistence> “Thank you so much for working at Mindvalley, your work has changed my life!” Several looked surprised and said you are welcome and then continued on to lunch.

The fourth employee stopped and asked what I needed. After talking for a while he invited me into the office saying he just needed to finish something up and then he could give me a full tour. I sat in the lobby waiting for him and Vishen walked through the room. <syncro-destiny>

I stopped him <bravery!> and said “excuse me, but you’re my hero, and your company had changed my life” and asked I could give him a hug. He said yes.

After the hug I quickly said “I have a return flight in about 7 hours, I was wondering if I could spend the time in your lobby just soaking up the vibe. I won’t bother anyone.” He made a quick calculation and said YES, and I knew I was in!

Later I got to say to the lady who had turned me down “Vishen said I could stay!” I felt like I was about 5 years old snobbing my nose at her. lol <karma>

I spent 5 hours in the lobby of the office chatting with people as they walked in/out. I also made some contacts within the company, got a full tour and had lunch with the woman I had applied for a job under. She picked my brain about how their marketing landed in “their ideal client” ME! I asked her what working there was like, and realized I really didn’t want to work for them anyways (big city, long hours, highrise living, pollution to name a few).

On the way through the train station on the way back to the airport a few of the humans who worked at the office stopped me because they thought I might be hungry and had bought me a fruit cup and were bringing it back to me. <syncro-destiny>

I met up with friends from Bali waiting for the plane. Back in Bali I realized I had LOST my motorbike key in Malaysia!!! OMFG. I sat in the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I felt SO stupid. I knew there had to be a way through. I had just had such an incredible day, and seen what persistence and patience could do.

I was already back in Bali, and no clue where my key was in Malaysia. I used body language and mimed to the parking attendant that I had lost my key. He handed me a box of lost keys and after a few tries I found one that worked in my bike.

Without a map and short on gas, I prayed, cried and laughed my way home saying prayers to Ganesh for removing my obstacles! I felt fully in the flow and in tune with syncro-destiny.

A thousand things could have gone wrong, and even though some of them did, they didn’t stop me from my dream. Not a single one of them could. I was unstoppable.

A few weeks later I got a marketing email from Mindvalley asking me if I had applied to awesomeness fest yet. To which I shrieked a little angrily inside. “I already applied and you rejected me… grrrrr!”

Instead of staying angry. I wrote a long email to Vishen the founder of the company, pointing out their error in their marketing funnel, and suggesting how to fix it. He remembered meeting me in the office in such a strange way. This resulted in a reply from him personally inviting me to Awesomeness Fest. The invite only conference for entrepreneurs and world changers I had dreamed of going to for years.

Longer story shorter. I went. That’s me in the front row left, riding a joygasmic bliss wave with the whole group. What kind of wild syncro-destiny stories have you experienced in your life?

For this exercise, go through and circle your first gut response answer as fast as you can on each question. 

Once you have done that, you can take the time to fill in the reasons WHY you chose the answer you did on the lines below. 

If you have a few Maybe’s or No’s, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you shouldn’t be with your partner, but they are definitely things that you need to address and speak with him about. If you’re able to use the Difficult Conversations Template and talk with him about those topics, excellent, keep committing deeper. If not, I’d seriously consider whether staying together is a good idea for you.

They listen to what you have to say and respond with appropriate action and emotion.

  Yes   No Maybe ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

They are attractive to you.

  Yes   No Maybe ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

They care for their body, mind and spirit.

  Yes   No Maybe ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

They have resolved their family of origin issues.

  Yes   No Maybe ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

They have a plan for their life that includes you.

  Yes   No Maybe ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

They knows what they wants in life and are moving towards it.

  Yes   No Maybe ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

They are committed to being with you (in a way that aligns with what you want in terms of commitment)

  Yes   No Maybe ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If you ask people whether they think there’s such a thing as a ‘born entrepreneur,’ most people say yes.

There’s a widespread belief that there is some underlying, innate component to entrepreneurship.

However, is that true?

I’ve often felt there was something different about me, and this compulsive desire to achieve and make a difference and I wanted to see if there was some literal truth to it, and went digging through the internet, turns out there are lots of talks, and some hard science to back it up, and it all comes down to Histamine.

So how do you know if you’ve got the entrepreneur gene?

It’s as simple as checking your big toe, and the one next to it. Take off your socks, look down at your feet, and if your second toe is equal length or longer than your big toe, it’s likely you’ve got the entrepreneur gene.

This genetic mutation, also knows as Histadelia or High Histamine runs in families, and is often responsible for dynasties of successful families of entrepreneurs. 

A classic example of high histamine genetics is the Kennedy clan: Almost all of them possess that tremendous, unrelenting passion to attain, along with wild sexual exploitation, and a tendency towards death and mayhem. More on that in a moment.

Turns out families with a history of Histadelia have higher rates of Nobel Peace Prize winners, and also higher rates of schizophrenics, depression, and suicide.

Before we go on to make sure you’re one of the winners, vs the crazy or dead, check yourself. How many of these other indicators of the entrepreneur gene and high histamine do you have?

Before we go on to some techniques to make sure you’re one of the winners, vs the crazy or dead, check yourself.

How many of these other indicators of the entrepreneur gene and high histamine do you have?

  • Trouble Sleeping. Histadelics are often over-stimulated, almost manic. Sleep is a problem. They are light sleepers, usually needing seven or fewer hours. Insomnia can be severe.
  • Great Teeth. Histamine promotes the overproduction of mucus, meaning that they have more saliva to keep teeth free of cavities. (Sometimes, saliva is literally dripping from the corners of their mouth.)
  • High Sex Drive. Sexual orgasms are easier, and they are also more likely to get into trouble with affairs or dangerous sexual activities. 
  • Skinny with Health Problems. Histadellics have a high metabolism, so are often skinny, and have troubles gaining weight. The fast metabolism means they need more nutrition, so nutritional deficiency shows up younger (often as young as 8-14), with mental health troubles, binge eating, Aspergers, headaches and respiratory allergies very common. Note: Some have this gene, but carry extra weight. Usually due to excessive toxicity in the body resulting in hormone imbalance.
  • Addiction and Distraction. Histamine has been linked to low dopamine reward response, leading to addictive behaviors, a high tolerance for alcohol and drugs, overeating, and intense risk-taking without consideration of future consequences.
  • Hairless and Chilly. Having very little facial and chest hair helps to release extra body heat from that fast metabolism. (This is the mate who keeps turning down the thermostat!)
  • More Boys. Extra mucous means the smaller, faster male sperm win the race more often, producing mostly male children. 
  • Mental Illness in the Family. Not all Histadelics are depressed, however, those who are, are at high risk because they have the energy to carry out a suicide plan and the impulsiveness to act quickly without thinking it over.  If mental illness runs in your family, or you have any suicides on either side, consider this a wake up call.

So how did you do? If you’re still reading this, it’s likely you or someone close to you meets a lot of these criteria. 

When I first read the list I was astonished at how many of these characteristics I had.

Let’s take “Compulsive Risk Taking” as an example. In 2010 picking up my life, my 10-month-old son and heading to Mexico for 6 months with $500 to my name seemed no more risky than staying in Canada for the winter. Most people would think I’m crazy. Mexico seemed like a safer option in my mind.

The ability to laugh at risk for an entrepreneur is a good thing. We need to be capable of doing the work ahead of us, in the allotted time, with a limited amount of resources, with absolutely no guarantee of success.

That visionary mind sees a big dream, has the will to make it happen, NO MATTER WHAT. You’ve got a vision, you’ve got game, and you’ve got a business.

What about when that spills over into overcommitting, overwhelm, insomnia, mania, and suicidal depression. Now that’s a recipe for disaster.

If you’ve read any of my other blogs, you’ll see that I talk openly about the challenges of my mental health, and how I support myself to thrive.

Just because there is a genetic tendency toward entrepreneurship, doesn’t guarantee becoming a successful entrepreneur.

In fact the odds are just as stacked towards burning out early, lifelong addiction, ending up dead by our own hands, or locked in a mental hospital, as they are towards solving world hunger, being the next Steve Jobs or reversing global climate change.

Grim thoughts, however ones that can be helpful if we use it as an incentive to develop excellent self care and nutrition to help ourselves sooner rather than later.

In order to find balance and success, we need to figure out how to deal with the more negative consequences of our tendencies and promote the positive ones.

Here are my top 5 tips for taking great care of yourself as a high histamine entrepreneur type:

1. Gratitude Journaling

Entrepreneurs are often so focused on the big goal that they struggle to remember what they’ve done well. Keeping a daily before bed journal of gratitude, things that are going well, triumphs of the day, and people who have supported you, helps to keep perspective when that big contract cancels and you’re left high and dry at the end of the month, or when your dreams hit that first (or fiftieth) obstacle and you just want to give up.

Even better, keeping a wall of accomplishments, and making a regular practice to review them, will help gain perspective on how much you really ARE doing, and help you to feel like you are making progress towards those big hairy goals. Journaling right before bed, is also great sleep hygiene, allowing yourself to clear the mind of the tasks you need to do tomorrow, and calm the body with a slow and relaxing activity.

Action Item: Check out this 5-minute hack for doing a great daily check-in/checkout for your workday.https://projectevo.org/app-install/

2. Vitamin Supplementation

Because of the high metabolism Histadellics often run through their nutrients faster than they can put them into the body. Brain fog is a real thing.

While forgetting the name of a person an at a networking event maybe forgivable, completely forgetting the key point of your keynote on stage infant of 1000 people, could turn the opportunity of a lifetime, into “that day I destroyed my career”.

Your brain needs to be sharp, and your mind needs to be clear. 

Eating healthy whole foods, at regular times is crucial, as processed/takeout foods are often packed with toxins, additives, colours and chemicals which over time will impact your body more than the average person.

If you’re experiencing troubles with brain fog, adding in an Omega supplement with 2x more EPA than DHA will help give the brain the building blocks it needs to repair and restore that fog. If you’re not experiencing any troubles, give it a try for a month, and see how superhuman your brain will become!

If you’re having trouble with sleep or twitchy legs before bed. Magnesium can really help deal with the underlying causes.

Try switching to a high-quality veg and fruit smoothie in the morning. Not only does it make breakfast quicker to make (so you can get to your workday already), though if you have a tendency to forget to eat, you can drink your mid-day meals, in smoothie form, and still nourish your body. 

90% of the population is deficient in one or more of these vitamins, Magnesium, Vitamin C, Niacin, cannabinoids, B Complex, Zinc, Multivitamin, Omega’s, Lecithin, and for Histadelics it’s even more important to supplement to avoid mental illness and avoid burnout.

Action Item: Click here to get a quick list of which vitamins I use on regular basis to keep my brain sharp. elenaharderr.com/Vitamins

3. Changing your Brainwaves with Isochronics

For those with never-ending to-do lists, relaxing is challenging, and falling asleep can be impossible some nights. Good bedtime hygiene and journaling can help, though if you’re still struggling, try Isochronics.

Isochronics are a powerful way of helping you shift from work mode, creative problem solving, badass focus, get shit done, over to chill mode (what’s chill mode? you say, try this track) or preparing the mind for sleep. Isochronics work by broadcasting a frequency of sound through the space that causes the brain waves to shift into a particular frequency, for example, Alpha waves for concentration, or restful theta waves for deeper meditations and sleep. They can even be used to increase arousal (not that we need help with that), creativity, and focus.

Action Item: Check out this search on youtube, and click around till you find something that works for your ears and preferences.


4. Brain Training/Subconscious Reprogramming. 

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “90% of all business growth is personal growth”, one of the biggest factors contributing to mental health is our own self-talk.

How we speak to ourselves is crucially important, and especially if you’re dealing with a vitamin deficiency, these voices can get loud and nasty really fast.

Brain training is best done in the morning and evening times when we are rising/getting ready for sleep, because we’re able to access the subconscious easier, and use these times to program our brain to be better and more resourceful entrepreneurs. NLP (NeuroLinguistic Programming) is the basis of Tony Robins work and is part of what makes the work of the biggest personal development leaders work to create permanent change.

It involves asking ourselves questions, and making statements to the subconscious mind like “How easily can I leverage the skills I have to be even more successful in my business?” Questions like this pre-suppose (a fancy NLP way of saying that they assume) that it is easy, for you to do this, that you have the skills you need, and that you are “even more successful” implying to the subconscious that you are ALREADY successful, and simply seeking more of the same.

Action Item: Check out these custom made brain training tracks for entrepreneurs

5. Other People Who Get You!

Entrepreneurs often feel they are different than others, (partially because they are) and it can be a lonely journey, especially if friends and family members are 9-5’ers who don’t understand why you are so driven, compulsive, or overwhelmed by the need to achieve in your unique way. Finding other entrepreneurs, whether that is through a group coaching program, accountability group, co-working or educational program, allow you to brainstorm, learn from, and spend time with people like you, who are driven to make a difference in the world.

Action Item: My personal favourite group, and a lifesaver in a world of “seeming to have it all together” is the vulnerability, support, and weekly “we’re showing up for each other here at the Ignite. If you’ve read all the way to the bottom here, you’ll fit right in, so click here to join us!