I sit down to think about what would actually make me really sure this was the right relationship to be in.  All signs point to yes so far, and we’ve discussed some really deep questions through the 100 Questions to Fall in Love.  I like what I hear from him, but of course, I’ve said that before. 

I again get out my trusty journal and pen.  What would an undeniable yes look like? 

He’s into a Life Commitment.

Together we commit to being in love, good communication, healthful living, deepening awakening journey, mutual support, commitment to relationship and absolut sexual loyalty, collaboration on the journey of life.

  • I need him to be available for conscious exploration of love and commitment, 
  • has a daily meditation practice, looks like a hottie, wants to live his life with me, values minimalism, kaizen, and communal living. 
  • Clearly demonstrates healthy communication patterns, has already resolved his childhood trauma and can speak about it with distance and awareness…
  • Wants to dream together.  
  • Is a “do’er” and gets shit done. He inspires me.
  • My family and friends think he’s great for me, 
  • We handle challenges with consciousness and grace.  We are able to plan together and bring those plans to fruition.  
  • We have aligned dreams for life, longevity and freedom.  

All of that sounds good, but I think about the Mr. D who was a lot of those things, but the intimacy fell flat. I’m not into a sexless functional relationship.  It’s got to be hot, fun, playful and expansive. I want to be ravished by my Undeniable Yes Lover!

Lover Undeniable YES 

  • His cock is great and fits me perfectly.  
  • He values my pleasure, he cares about my feelings, he’s demonstrated he is interested to learn how to be a better partner/lover to me.
  • I feel aligned with kind of intimacy I want with him, he loves to eat me out, he fucks me so deep.
  • We have navigated challenging intimacy conversations with grace, 
  • I love to explore his pleasure, he turns me on physically, his body is yummy, 
  • there are things I can’t describe in words but I will be able to feel if it works when we “try them out”

And then children. I thought I had a lot of this with the Mr. D I left lovingly in Mexico, but actually he always felt he was too old to have a family.  So what would I need to know was true between us before I opened my body up to conceive with this man.  I need to know this is possible BEFORE I get into an 8 month relationship with him. 

My Undeniable Yes for Children with Him

  • I am completely committed to this relationship, when ovulating AND menstruating for 6+ months.
  • We have clear communication as a regular practice for 1+ year, where we have handled any challenges that came along within 1-2 weeks in simple ways. 
  • Have created a shared spiritual space and are operating that in easeful ways.
  • Income stabilization around recurring income that makes it seem simple easy to live together and add children.
  • Discussion and clarity around desired birth, pregnancy and parenting styles (attachment parenting, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, free birth, diet, spirituality, family intention, visioning legacy and ancestry of our brood, etc) 
  • Clarity around timing and desired plan for conception/contraception between children
  • We have done meditation journey of 1-3 days together to connect to the soul of our first child.
  • We have 1-4 friends who are with us, and are willing support the baby birthing phase and postpartum. 
  • Health insurance from Canada is functioning, incase shit. 
  • He has a level of resolved-ness with any debt and taxes that he feel safe and he is comfortable with.
  • Feeling vibrant and healthy in our bodies, souls and mind. 
  • A feeling of YES NOW, YES YOU! for creating our children. ALL THE TIME! 
  • Clearly communicated to my/your family that conception is our intention and received their blessing in it.
  • We have completed a vitamin and cleansing protocol 3-6 months prior to conception.
  • High levels of intimacy pleasure and connection are normal, and we have the capacity to cum together on a regular basis with ease.
  • Ceremonial removal of the IUD, and practicing 3-6 months of conscious non-pregnancy.
  • Location lined up for birthing baby and phase 2 of their life (ie 4-12 months)
  • Commitment to minimum of 3 years together per birth, and 18 years of financial support of the child.  Ideal would be a full commitment to our relationship for life based on our circles of commitment practice.
  • As we commit to making children together, we commit to peaceful and supportive interaction with each other around the children no matter what happens in our relationship. 
  • We both commit to physically, financially and emotionally support the children for 21 years while they are moving into adulthood.

Now it’s your turn dear reader. You can cross out the things from my list that don’t appeal to you, circle things you love, and add your own in the space below.

After visiting my parents with Mr. R, I call them up.  I thought it went well, with all four of us getting to ask really deep questions about intentions, history and who we are.  The conversation had been great, and I was impressed with how he handled my parents.  I get a green light from both my mom and my dad. My best friend gave me the thumbs up yesterday, and he passed the homeschooling kids group gauntlet like a champ, even handling an explosive outbreak with the most obnoxious kid with grace.  

All signs say “this is it!”, yet mind is still running a gauntlet.  I’ve fallen in love too many times with the wrong guy to make that mistake ever again. I flip open my journal and write Circles of Commitment Outline at the top of the page.

I think about it for a while and then start writing.  What would my ideal personal timeline be… assuming that everything goes well. Something that would feel quick but safe to get me from online dating to living together, getting married and making babies in less than 3 years.   What would need to click in and feel good along the way? What do I need to look out for? How can I prevent my past mistakes?  When he leaves here what kind of commitment do we want to make in order to move the whole thing forward, instead of have us both disappear into the internet. 

After a few hours of scratching away, editing and re-vamping I come up with this. Mr. R and I have already passed through the first two phases, but being Little Miss Virgo, I write up what I’ve already done too.  I really still feel shaky that I won’t be back to the drawing board the day after he leaves. I’ve been heartbroken after too many one night stands.

Phase 1 (Month 1+) 

Find men who are interesting to me 

  • 2-5 minutes with each profile
  • Send messages to those who are above a 6 hot and/or 6 interesting 
  • I sent 148 outbound messages over 2 weeks

Determine if they are interested in me 

  • Interested replies back are now eligible for Phase 2 evaluation
  • I got 40 replies back within 7 days
  • Only 6 made it through without disqualifying themselves through:
    • Lack of response or replying with overly sexual questions
    • Communication style mis-match.  I responded to their questions and then asked specific questions about what they wanted in relationship that were customized based on our shared interests/profiles, anyone who didn’t actually acknowledge or answer my questions was out. 
    • Mis-matched desires. 
      • One guy was questioning if he wanted children, and realized he really didn’t want kids in talking to me, another wasn’t interested in caring for someone else’s kid.
      • One was very interesting to me but after looking through my youtube channel realized he was actually looking for someone less wild than I am because of a video I am particularly happy/proud of and likely would have been a hell yes for my husband.
      • One was a vegan and needed a vegan partner. I realized I wasn’t ready to commit to that path in the way he had, we parted ways respectfully.
      • One was interested in having a polyamourus relationship, and I realized I really did want a man who was committed to me first and foremost during childbearing years. Interestingly, I also later needed to clarify that the man I was committing too would be open to having conversations about opening the relationship up at some later point in the future.

To those three men who had no apparent dealbreakers I suggested a video call to assess energy and connection.  Video is important, as photos can be very deceiving and I’ve made the mistake of having this first call via telephone before. (See Page/Chapter X – The Tough Questions You Need to Ask Yourself)() ()//

Not being realistic and going through these steps had let me get my imagination get all wild without being grounded in reality. Even with video exploration I was still really surprised by Mr. R’s body and how my body energy was with him when we finally met.  

In those calls I was looking for:

  • Am I attracted to him?
  • Does my body respond to him over video?
  • Do I like the way he communicates?
  • Do I like how I feel when I’m talking with him?
  • Is he curious about me?
  • Am I curious about him?
  • Do I want to see more of his body?
  • Am I willing to show him mine?
  • Clarifying any other big vision questions I may have about kids/dreams/homebase etc.

Go with your intuition, trust your gut, listen to your head and watch out for panty soaking super hottie, as your pussy is not the only one who needs to live with him 3 years from now. 

After an initial video call that seems promising, you can move into Phase 2

Phase 2 (Month 2+) 

  • Determine he wants something similar to what I want in the future?
    • 1-8 hours per possible relationship as you go over those 100 questions to fall in love looking for dealbreakers and undeniable yes’s
  • Does he have the same ideas about having and raising kids I do?
    • Do talk about this openly in your first phase even if you don’t want kids as mis-matched dreams/ideas on this is actually a dealbreaker for long term relationship
  • Has he effectively processed his past trauma? (Any mean and unkind responses that don’t also include remorse are a red flag)
    • Ask pointed questions about how he relates to his mom, dad and siblings.
    • Ask about his ex-girlfriends and why they ended. 
    • Ask about meaningful relationships in his life.

By this point you should be down to just a few humans.  If you have 0 humans left, go back to step 1. 

Phase 3 (Months 3+)

Is he actually willing to commit and show up to those shared dreams?

  • Creating an in-person meeting that requires commitment from him (2-4 days)
  • Meeting family and friends and looking for dealbreakers (4 more days)
    • Do his family members treat each other with respect?
    • Look for snark/resentment/anger as these will be projected on you later
    • What are the “old stories” about the family
    • Ask parents/siblings about who he was when he was little
    • Are you curious and actually interested?
    • Can you handle dealing with his mom/family in an ongoing way?
  • Navigating time/agreements for an ongoing digital nurturing of relationship 
    • Daily or weekly scheduled time for 1+ hour conversation to ask the rest of those 100 questions and get to know each other in a really big way
  • Planning a longer time to be together 
    • How about a 3 month trial of living together in a temporary way, fully understanding that if it doesn’t work for both of us we can change at any time and we would not continue to live together.
  • While you are in this phase look at all his actions for:
  • Does he take initiative?
  • Does he follow through? 
  • How does he handle challenges that arise?
  • Does he actually know how to state his needs?
  • Does he work on issues that came up?
  • Is he capable of fathering kindly in real life situations?

Phase 4 (3-6 months)

This is a crucial place to make really strong discernments about what you’ve already learned about them.  Committing to each other in a bigger way will make anything that’s a problem show up! Nothing brings out wounding like commitment! Along the way re-evaluate to make sure that none of your dealbreakers have shown up.  Make sure you’ve talked through or can deal with any red flags.

  • Making dreams together for the next phase (6+ months)
    • Decide how long you feel you need to decide if you’re willing to commit to (life?) or any longer commitment
    • Take time to dream up what you want to create together during that time
    • Communicate those dreams and listen to theirs
    • Commit to being in the relationship together with your full hearts
    • Commit to talking about any issues that come up

Ask yourself questions like

  • Can you create together what you want? 
  • What are the patterns that show up in how you communicate?
  • Are you both supportive of each other in challenges? 
  • Do you want the same things in the next year and beyond? 

Phase 5 (Month 6-12) Let’s try this out in an even deeper way.  

This is the time where you get to celebrate! You’ve made it through those first phases, and if you’re really honest with yourself and things have gone well, you don’t see any dealbreakers, and you’re willing to live with the reality of what you’ve seen. (Remember it’s likely they won’t change the things that bug you!) 

If after 6 months in the trenches of love he (and you) still want to stick around to make those OTHER dreams come true. You’ve got yourself a keeper!  Let yourself fall fully in love with them and build your life together.  

Together you can both now dream with more clarity what you want for this next 12 months and start to flesh out plans for what you want in your lives 1, 3, 6 and 12 years down the road.  (Like a roadmap to baby making!)  Remember just because you’ve made it through this circle of commitment doesn’t mean you have to stop talking about what your dreams are or working to make them happen.  For each phase of your life moving forward you can break it down into smaller goals and cycles to help your relationship keep growing in good ways. 

FIRST Cover Your Logistical Bases Before You Leave

Nora does an amazing job of covering things like important tax, legal, healthcare, residency, voting, and document saving 10x better than I want to. It’s a bit of a dry article compared to this one, but these things are important enough that I think you should open the tab and read it after you read some hilarious real world stories of shit that went wrong in my travels. Don’t worry, I recovered from all of them.

Why I Bring 5 Bank Cards

Imagine your on a small island in Thailand at the end of a trip. You got to take cash out, and the ATM spits out your card with no explination, other than Thai text that fills the screen.

There are no banks, only ATM’s on the island, and none of the banks are Canadian anyways, so it wouldn’t matter.

It’s a 6 hour boat ride, and a 8 hour bus ride to the nearest bank. Not that it matters because you don’t have enough physical cash for that trip. You’ve been traveling for 8 months, and after being in Bali for 6 months, 2 of your bank cards are completely locked by your bank because they’ve been compromised by fraudulent ATM card scanners and are in danger of being completely drained at any given moment. You don’t keep cash in those accounts anymore.

The one remaining card you brought has a block on it, but it’s still working because you can call your bank, have them temporarily remove the block for an hour, you pray the hackers don’t notice or choose that exact moment to try to take out cash, you do your transaction and then the bank locks it again.

But that card isn’t working today. Even unlocked, NONE of the ATM’s will even register that it’s in the machine or take your pin, never mind actually give you cash. Maybe the ATM is out of cash, maybe the gods hate you, but it’s more likely it’s your card.

Your bank certainly won’t mail your card to Thailand, and your new cards will take 3+ weeks to make it to the nearest big city (which you still can’t get to without the cash you need)

Also, it’s almost dinner time, and you and your kid are hungry.

What do you do?

You ask at the local co-working space if anyone is Canadian, when you find them, you approach them to ask an awkward favour. Can you help me get money out? Can I send you $400 CAD via etransfer, and you can take it out of the ATM for me?

You have to trust that this stranger will keep their word, get you your money, and you’ll be okay.


Don’t get caught out like this. Make sure your bank knows you’re traveling (or they might lock your card)

Bring extra cards incase yours gets locked and it takes you 2-30 days to figure it out with your bank in Canada.


The best extra card is one with no foreign bank fees. I love Koho because they are a company that wants to change the face of banking. You can even open it online. https://app.koho.ca/referral/5D8S470L

Make sure you can afford to be there BEFORE you arrive

There’s nothing worse than landing in Madrid Spain and realizing that a coffee and a croissant will cost you $15 CAD, there’s nothing gluten free on the menu, and the hostel you’d planned on staying at doesn’t let children stay in shared dorms, meaning your 11 Euro bunk bed is now a mandatory 56 Euro ROOM, and your prepaid room is no longer prepaid, but hella expensive. You have $200 in your account for food, shelter and hopefully seeing the sights over the next 6 days. True story.

What do you do?

The solution was to pay for the 1 night at the hostel, then spend a few hours of frantically messaging people on CouchSurfing.com, until I found a VERY kind Spanish man who took us in and treated us like gold for the days we were with him. By the way, people are incredibly kind to traveling moms & kids.

NomadList has a great guide on what you should expect to pay to be in many of the best spots.

Travel Tested Health Insurance aka. First Aid Items

While I’ve never actually traveled with health insurance, and we’ve never had anything worse than a staphylococcus skin infection, parasites (you probably have them too right now by the way), an unexpected pregnancy, and mosquito bites (oh and then dengue), all of those I handled with natural plant based medicine, or over the counter (ie under $50, minimal dr intervention) medications.

These are the items I swear by, and always travel with to handle any issue. https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1KUZCX63DP6BS?ref_=wl_share

I’ll also say, it helps a bunch to not eat meat, processed sugars, or alcohol.

You don’t need health insurance, but if me saying that gives you the heebie-jeebies, then you DO, because anxiety breeds accidents. (if you want help resolving this anxiety for good, book a call with me)

So if you do really want health insurance use https://safetywing.com/ or https://www.worldnomads.com/ You can start using them when you are outside your country of orgin too, which is unique to insurance companies.

Get the Best Flight Prices by Booking One Way or Nomad Tickets

Use Kiwi.com to get your one way ticket.

Some countries will require proof of online travel, so a quick google search “what are the visa entry requirements for XX country” will let you know if you need that. You can then have a backup “fake” ticket ready for when you need it.

There are a number of services that have sprung up in the last few years. Choose your own.

Get MASSIVE Discounts on Longer Term (1-6 month) rentals

Locate Accommodation on AirBNB for your first 2 weeks. (use the price sliders to choose only the listings that are in your budget, or you’ll get “luxury envy” I guarantee it.

Once you’re there find a local place via the grandma method, or the facebook method.

Facebook search for “(Ubud or name of your town) Longterm Rentals” and then look for what you want to find.




Use The Knowledge of Others & Find Friends


Families in Mexico https://www.facebook.com/groups/1889482044672683/

Arcturian/Pleiadian Starseed Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/342683132960718

We are Worldschoolers Events https://www.facebook.com/groups/299731590638407

Ubud Events https://www.facebook.com/groups/701570479882385/

Ubud Night and Day: What to do and Where to go! https://www.facebook.com/groups/1031355626884446

Burning Man Global https://www.facebook.com/groups/2209575143

Be Able to Handle Paperwork Back Home

Make sure you setup the bank of mom (ie, get your mom to handle opening your mail and give her shared access to an account so she can cash cheques for you, and handle money things that might need you to be physically present. Remember to say thank you.

You can also Docusign most things if you ask (it’s legally binding, and I used it to buy a car remotely once.. yes.. for real), or digitally fax papers you print and sign (helpful when dealing with govt agencies who want fax.

Travel Light

When you pack your bag, bring only what you would bring to a friends house for an overnight. Everything else you can pick up along the way.

One can recognize an expert traveler more by what they leave at home than what they carry in their suitcase.”

This event is in progress or over. But you can't get early invites to the next one, and weekly inspiration, tips and tricks for being a conscious being by putting your name and email below.

“As I started writing, and began to share my story with others, they shared that they too felt alone in their journey and none of us felt safe to talk about it."

As this story wrote itself

tears brought me to my knees,
and required that process
this story again, 

this story I thought 

I had fully healed.  

"Sharing is a CRUCIAL part of the healing journey.“

So this is your invitation.  Turn the page… Step through the portal and consciously step in and begin the even deeper journey with us..


For some reason you skipped the last exercise, so this is for you. 

Doing this has a magical power, and by doing it, you are actually literally creating the ground to anchor the vibration of your powerful transformation right now.  So freaking do it!

If you won’t do that.  Grab a piece of paper and draw a picture, or write down some words you fear that people might think you are because of this, that way latest your stickiness can be useful later for having generated a list of attributes you need to work on accepting about yourself.  (more on that later //)

Are you getting the amazing ripple that must happen when You Have Optimal “Self Worth”

It’s an Interconnected Spiral After All… 

As we journey through the dancing lotusworks of the later chapters, you’ll be able to see the sequence of repeating patterns, the consequences of the choices you’ve made, and our shared spiral of life.

There is a process of mastery that happens when using these tools which you will get to practice as you read and write in this book. 

And you will discover that you are even more easily able to dismantle past patterns of victim hood, stuckness, and sorrow that had accumulated from our collective dark years.  I cannot emphasize enough how powerful it is to share your story and be witnessed in it.  

As such, I have designed this book to be a collaborative process, to be used as a complete safety net to collect your own victim story, and set yourself finally free.

There is an energy stream that is imbued into this book as well, that of JoyGasmic Alchemy, and this book and the accompanying online community is designed as a safe container to hold the collective wound that has been created by the failure of the nuclear family, and the swath of children and parents who have been raised in this isolation from culture.   

You will be given space to read, to write, to cry, to share your story, and to practice, the tools that will set you free from the cycles of victim, struggle, overwhelm and stress that currently hold you hostage in your life.

I know the power of these processes.  I am the product of receiving these teachings and sharing them with you.  

I guarantee that if you actually take a dedicated approach to the 6 minutes that are included at the end of special chapters, by the end of the book, you will have set yourself free from all your past conditioning, 

and have stepped even more clearly into your destiny, and the life beyond your wildest dreams.

I cannot emphasize enough how powerful it is to share your story and be witnessed in it.  

I know that my attachment to my old story had blinded me from many of the spectacular moments that have passed along the way.  The pain of the past holding a cloth over the eyes of each moment, blurring the sunsets, and the sweet cuddles with my son.  Preventing me from seeing them clearly, and stopping me from being in this moment now, in the full bliss that I am capable of.

Being born into to the privileged west, where we are raised in families with the resources to let us believe that we really can do anything, I’ve realized that this comes with it’s own challenge.  First World Problems.  Those problems that live in the space between our ears, that torture us, and keep us from being present in the day, and keep us up at night. In a world where we are supposed to have everything, our cars and houses and high paying jobs have taken us away from something crucial that we don’t even realize we are missing.  

Happiness in THIS moment, and someones to share it with. 

As I began my journey of recovery from the experiences that you are about to read about, I wondered:

What did it all mean? 

What was the purpose of it?

Why had I put myself through such torture?

What had become of my life?
How could I possibly make sense of it all?

I knew I had to share the story, to bring light to the pain, to help other see that they weren’t alone, to help some avoid the mistakes I had made, and to share the powerful tools I had created to heal from my misery.  After all, isn’t that the point of a good story?

So when I sat down to write this book, and asked JoyGasm, “what is the best way to serve” I knew then that the intention for this book is to create the most powerful tool of transformation for the women and men who read it.  To offer you the gift that this experience created for me, without you having to go through all the shit I did.  To tell you my story, and to let it help you understand yours, act as an opening catalyst to help you access the emotions you’ve locked away about the experiences we’ve shared.  To help you see and feel those emotions, to give you the tools to process it, the community to support you, and by the end of the book for you to have the magic of The JoyGasmic Path at your fingertips.  

I will ask you to walk with us 
as together we go through the fire of shit that were our worst, 

While we do that, I’d encourage you engaged with the online community.  There, you’ll find written outlines of the tools, play along videos, and printable copies of the worksheets and mandalas so you can create your own daily practices.  

I said I’d go first, so I’ll go first *gulp*

I mean um, Hi! I’m Elena, your author.  Since we’re just meeting for the first time, and this is a super vulnerable process I wanted to open the doorway for healing by sharing this “first time story” because it’s sweet and sour, and makes you think and sets a good mood for revealing ourselves. 

Just clarifying that this is not my worst #meToo, or the worst thing that ever happened to me sexually, (if you want you can read about that day later in the book, but for now, I thought I would open with something that I feel carries the essence of the wound we all cary. 

If you haven’t already, you can dive right in and share any story you want to be heard, which could be your deepest most intense story right away, or just something small that still sits badly in your memory.

In fact, I may encourage to you to share all the stories that your remember that carry the shadow of rape, because when we heal we get out what we put in x10, and you want to be 100% healed by the end of this experience!

I know not every first time is perfect…

So it’s Thanksgiving and we’ve been dating for eight months now, and it’s been full of joyful exploration, sensual play and delight. 

We’d been busy getting our hands and mouths all over each other, trying everything our 15 year old selves could think of in the bedroom in the basement, we decided to jump deeper into the fires of passion, and give our virginity to each other.  

We have already spent a month or more discussing if we felt ready, what we wanted for the experience, how we would practice safe sex, and what we would do if the unthinkable happened and I got pregnant.  It was one of the most conscious and informed decisions I had ever made.  I knew I wanted to, I was ready, and that I was excited to explore the depths of pleasure that were possible for us.

We wanted to create a safe space, and planned to have an empty house for our first time.  

Thanksgiving day, his parents were going out of town, so the date was set.   In the morning before they left we went on an adventure to get condoms, 2 busses and a train, to a clinic that offered free supplies to teens.  When we got there, we excitedly put our hand on the handle of the door, and pulled.  Nothing.  Tug again, the door was locked.  The clinic was closed, and we were faced with the unthinkably embarrassing act of having to go buy them from a store.  

We walked across the street to a nearby convenience store.  Muddled our way to the right isle, and made a choice amongst a dizzying array of different packages, sizes and colours of condoms.

We wandered through the store for quite a while with the package in hand.  Embarrassed beyond belief to be going through the checkout with JUST condoms.  “Let’s get skittles too” he said.  “I love skittles” I replied.  We wandered the store a little longer with skittles and condoms in hand, before we managed to find the courage to face the checkout.   With skittles in hand, we were sure that no one would think we had come to the store JUST for CONDOMS. 

An achingly long journey back to his house, we giggled, hugged, and felt the excitement of what we both knew we were about to do.  When we got there, his parents were still at the house, and not running on time. 

“Will they ever leave?” I wondered.   We went downstairs and lay together and read Garfield comics.  There was too much sexual tension aching through the room, for us to consider starting to “play”.   We knew exactly what we were going to do when they left.   When they finally left, it was like a bubble burst, they would be gone until tomorrow afternoon and we now had all the time in the world to enter this new experience together.  

Like most of my memories of sex, the memory of our first time consists more of the before and after, than the actual details of the act itself.

I was as quenchless at fifteen as I am now, and the younger version of my self cried, “More, More, More”, and so we did.  For a whole month and a half I was blissfully enamoured with the act of intercourse.   I had entered a new realm of adulthood, I was blissed beyond bliss.  I couldn’t imagine life could get better than it was.

We went back to that Teen Sexual Health Clinic when it was open, and helped ourselves to handfuls upon handfuls of condoms.  In my mind they were still always called Skittles.  

On one such day, having just returned from the clinic and excited to go celebrate my boyfriends birthday with him “in the best way we knew how”.

Then I lost my wallet. 

Having searched everywhere I could think of, I asked my mom for help finding it.  She listed 15 places I’d already looked and sent me off to re-check.   We eventually found my wallet, and on the drive to the train station the energy in the car was tense, but I couldn’t figure out why.  

Just before I got out of the car, she said “I found your Con-dohms.” then silence. 

I can hear the disapproval in her voice.  My mind raced to my backpack, and a visual of my mom in searching for my wallet, opening the zipper of my backpack, to an overflowing stash of over 100 condoms freshly acquired from the teen clinic.   I can see her face contort in shock, as she realizes that her teenage daughter was having not only sex, but obviously a lot of sex.  I can see her close the pocket, close her mouth, and keep looking for the wallet.   I can suddenly incredibly deeply feel the pain in her heart, and my heart sinks.  I feel I’ve done something terribly wrong, and my inner space is conflicted.  I get out of the car, thank her for the ride, and spend the next hour riding the train to my boyfriends house.   I don’t know what will happen next.

I was shamed, scared, and doubt began to creep in.  Could the decision I had made been wrong somehow? Why did my mother obviously feel so intensely about something that was SO beautiful for me?  Did she still love me?  What was it going to be like at home now? 

These feelings clouded the joy I felt that day in our intimacy.  The seeds of doubt as to the goodness of what I had previously seen as the best decision I’d ever made had been planted.

Three days later I was delivered a sealed envelope from my parents.  In it was a letter saying that they loved me very much, that sex before marriage was a sin, and they did not condone my behaviour.  The letter reeked of pain, sexual shame, powerlessness over my behaviour, guilt at being bad parents, and the culture of the Mennonite religion we had all be raised in.  I cried and was furious, I thought they were stupid, I knew that I had made my own right decision, and was being told it was wrong.  They said they loved me, but the disappointment and disapproval over arched all of it.  I was no longer allowed to have my boyfriend over at the house unsupervised.

A few days later the four of us had an incredibly awkward and painful conversation about it.  It was the first time I remember seeing my mother break her iron face of non-emotion and cry.  Even at 16 I thought the ideas of marriage and sin and sex were out modeled and caused a lot of pain for people.  I had seen my parents struggle with each other for years already and had accepted in my heart that if they wanted to get divorced it would be sad, but probably good for everyone.  

I was steadfast that I was not changing my ways, but the poisonous seeds of disapproval had begun to take root.  My teenage rebellion had a focal point now. 

The already sometimes distant relationship with my mom became bleak.  I had always been close with my dad, and felt I could talk to him about anything.  In a late night conversation about what was going on, he shared that he personally felt it was important that I feel safe to explore sex, but that as parents they had decided it was more important to provide a unified front.  I was horrified, confused, and madder than a hornet at my mother for corralling not only myself but my dad.  For being shamed in myself by my father, for something he didn’t even really feel was true.

In a later chat with my dad, where he tried to give me his frank version of the birds and the bees, I realized that I knew more about sexuality already at 16 than my dad did at 46.  He revealed that my mom had been absent in intimacy for years, and that he was incredibly frustrated with it.  I felt pity for him.  Even stronger was the anger towards my mother for depriving him of the beauty that was love and physical intimacy.  I vowed in that moment to never be her.  To never leave a partner wanting more of me, to never create the dynamic of love but no sex, and to never be a prude in bed.  At the time I had no idea the far reaching implications of this vow, and how it would shape my sexuality and my relationships as an adult. 

From then on the guilt of my parents was always with me when I had sex.  I gave myself more fully to my intimacy, not wanting to be my mom, and knowing that I could find approval and love with a man between my legs at least.  I avoided their house as much as I could considering I lived there, going straight from school to my boyfriends house and returning home just before bedtime. 

After our awkward letter moment, there was no more discussion of it.  Silence on the topic was a bandaid solution, but every time I passed my mom in the house the underlying tension of “You’re no good, you’re a sinner.” permeated every moment I spent within their walls. 

Living between the disapproval of parents and my new selfless sexual giving in sexuality without regard for my own desires and needs eventually created an end to the relationship.  

I remember vividly the moment that would haunt me for years.   Laying on my back, legs spread wide, fully in my mind, thinking “I’m not having fun at all, and I’m not going to say anything.”   

I know it’s over.  
Silence and shame have poisoned 
what was once been beautiful. 

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But Did I even Remember it Right?

After writing my “virginity letter of doom” story out, I figured I should fact check and see what my dad remembers of the story.

So nearly 15 years later he and I sat down to talk openly and honestly about this incident.

Part way through the conversation he says “oh that letter, I bet I still have that” and goes clicking through his folders to find it.

  I wait with baited breath, 

…and he comes back to our conversation.

“I think I found the letter, but it’s not quite how you remember.”

My impatient self just wants to know what this document that has defined my adult sex life with misery actually says. I want my hands on a copy of that letter!

“What do you mean you think you found it? Shouldn’t it be obvious?”

“Are you ready to hear it?” He asks?

“Yes!” I can barely contain myself, I’m excited, and terrified.

He reads the letter aloud.

I remember parts of it, but for the most part, it’s a foreign document. I listen to the words, I can hear that they were obviously crafted with care, it speaks volumes of their love and consideration for me as a teenage crazy creature.

It also speaks deeply to a sexuality awash in Mennonite upbringing and I can feel the moments of shame and blame that hurt me so much as a teen. As he reads it to me tears begin to stream down my face. They express their concerns, they ask me to talk to them, and they raise quite a few good points about relationships and sex and exploring intimacy.

This is a profound moment in my life to have finally been able to hear this letter. It throws some really powerful insights into my awareness.

First is that, the idea that they told me I was a sinner was a story in my mind.

My entire perception of everything they wrote, had been filtered through the energy of everything that I had seen them demonstrate in relationship, everything I’d heard in church, everything I’d seen in media. All of that took the carefully worded letter, and turned into the fateful words: “You decided wrong, you’re a sinner, that makes you bad, so we don’t love you anymore.”

In this moment it is incredibly clear, how the “story of my life” is really “the meaning I’ve given moments in my life” that letter, and my memory of it were like day and night, and yet at 15 I didn’t have the communication skills that I now do, and so I saw a loving call to conversation as a source of resentment that would drive a spike between us lasting well over a decade.

I had used that moment of “I made my best decision, and my parents shat on it” as an excuse:

  • for not trusting my decisions,
  • as the reason I couldn’t follow through with things,
  • the reason I struggled to achieve orgasm for years,
  • the reason that I had put myself into a shitty abusive relationship,
  • and as the reason that I held so much resentment towards my mother for years and years.

None of this is true. I can see clearly in this moment that it is all based on my response to a letter.

So if I was wrong about that, what else have I turned from a molehill into a mountain?

It suddenly becomes clear to me that I’ve been living in a story, a big old story about how a white middle class girl was supposed to grow up and be in the world, how she fucked it all up, made bad decisions, and ended up with a rough gig as a single mom with a struggling business.

It’s not my fault (or yours), we all do it. humans are story telling machines, it’s one of the things we do best. We all tell the story of our life, over and over again. The cells that make up our bodies are in fact no more than 3 days old. It is our beliefs that hold it all together, this thing that we call US.

On top of that there is no past or future, only the present moment, which contains everything, and nothing, and we’ve decided to put each NOW on a string so we can make some sense of it.

Life is made of these small moments every day, and then there are these moments of impact, moments that change course of our lives forever.

Sometimes it’s painful, sometimes it’s beautiful. But we never forget them. With the commitment to grow from these experiences we can become better in ways we could never have imagined.

I realize that I had been doing a bang up job of telling the story that I’m a “struggling single mother, recovering from being a victim of an abusive alcoholic relationship” I’ve been telling that story for 3 years, and another 4 before that while I was in it.

So I guess I double raped my life?With the story of what had happened way back when? *OUCH*

And now I’ll get to learn to love myself enough to forgive myself, and the guy I used to do it to me. 

How’s that for 10D wave Feminism. Fuck.

If you feel I’m being a little flippant about Rape I want to apologize from all of us to you, just youI don’t mean to be rude, I just want to make it really painfully obvious that we make moments of our life have 100x more impact than they maybe need to have. (Not that they aren’t horrible, just that we can transform after it happens)

I’m sorry, whatever happened to you, was not good.  And you deserve better.  We love you, we won’t hurt each other any longer, it’s love time now.

If you are the survivor of rape, it doesn’t feel easy and I want to honour you right now sister.  

It is a hard wound to wear, and it can take years to build up the courage to open to intimacy or love.

What I want for you, is to know how to love yourself through that healing process, and move towards self love. 

But if you weren’t raped, and yet it feels like it when you make love, even though your husband has always been kind to you and is a “good man”.  

Maybe you feel ashamed or worried that your sex life has disappeared, or you feel like you are forcing yourself once a year to find the spark “because it’s his birthday”.  

Then what do you do?
Do you force yourself,
to keep love alive?

What damage does it do
to the soul that lives
inside you?

It is these millions of white lies that I seek to help us heal.  It is the thousand untruths, it is the unwillingness to ask, and the pain when he says no, and the willingness to ask again anyways.  

Because is is the young women of our time
who will shape the sexuality of our young boys.  
And we shape them.  

We have the power
to end rape completely
in our generation.

I believe that if we can shed light for young women of all ages, and let them feel the true connection to their own innocent and powerful sensuality, then they will have a sense of the FEELING that intimacy truly carries.  

When they know this as the truth of the interior of their soul, then there is no way they will tolerate the kind of behaviours and men who perpetrate these acts.  

This will heal the world.

Often we don't realize how many places this trauma is impacting us.  

Click onwards to dive into the solution. 

But… The Sex Could Have Been So Much Worse.

Clearly if you read my first time “doing the dirty” was pretty fine, but I still ended up in some pretty horrific cycles of abuse later in life. 

So when I thought about starting to write this book, I felt so fake and so phoney.  Who was I to write about Rape? 

I knew I had not experienced anything horrific like the stories that came in whispers from the deep panting walls of the breath work classes I attended, and the howls and sobs and stories I heard in those sacred chambers of truth.  So what’s the big deal?

There are so many women who’s first penetration is a rape, at a time before they remember.  So many men who feel ashamed and dejected about their macerated circumsized penis’s.  

I had neither of these stories, and so who was I to talk about rape?

Why was this a fascination of mine? 

Was I raped and I didn’t remember?

I didn’t think so, but as my mind wove through memories, seeking for gaps or black holes, places where something unthinkable might live. 

As I asked myself this question, I thought about how I had gritted and bared my last name through Junior High, how the boys screamed “Harder” “Harder” “Harder” in the hallways, or how the girls in elementary started a rumour that I had AIDS, when I didn’t even know what that was. Why was it that my response to my parents letter was to internalize trauma? Where did that come from in the first place?

I was deeply affected by our cultures sex trauma well before I ever knew what sex was. 

Then I got more honest and I thought about my mid 20’s where I repeatedly felt raped by both myself with my boyfriends for months with our sex (that I often initiated) because I was so desperate to find his love through his cock. Then there was that time where got the call and I took that job, and that other time…

What about the art I had done as a teen, seeking in the internet for erotic pictures, tracing and re-tracing, overlaying the words “this is not an invitation to rape me” .. over and over again in these tiny words, scrolling the page. 

I came across dozens of other moments from my life that smelled of rape.  

Moments where I wasn’t wet enough, moments where I didn’t want to, but sucked his cock instead or later “fucked and found a way to make the best of it”.  So many moments where my body had been violated (by my own admission and accord) in ways that left streaks of sorrow and scorn on my soul. 

I think that it is moments like these that strike the true cord of the voice of this book, because these moments are all to frequent for women of all ages, and for young women these turn into distrust of self and body, which we know leads to a whole realm of issues, including obesity, anorexia, depression, anxiety, and more serious illnesses later in life.  

We harm our bodies
because we don’t 
yet know how
to love ourselves. 

I had no idea how to love myself.  

Most people don’t.

Truly because in an era where #MeToo has women’s voices sounding from the walls, and men’s rights speaking about the horrific amount of coach/teen sexual abuse happens, I there must be a time to touch on something more covert.  Something that sits below the surface of the issue, not the bandaid solution, but something that warms right at the heart of the wound.  

Because while millions of women voices are sounding, moaning, grasping, churning, and yearning, their voices are echoing from empty walls, millions more suffer every night in silence, not asking for what they truly want and deserve.

While millions of men unconsciously mourn the loss of the ends of their dicks, while they jerk off to imaginary chicks. Are you kidding me?  Empowered US is what they need, and we need to seek the men who can meet us and know us deeply and hold us as we blossom.  If he knew how exquisite it would feel, he would ask her sooner, she would ask him sooner, if he could just find the courage to ask for her body to be the one that came first.

I mean.  Really I just picked up my parents sex shame, and made it my own for a decade or so before I decided to lay it down and create a new story for myself.  

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I encourage to you to share ALL the stories that your remember that carry the shadow of rape, because when we heal we get out what we put in x10, and you want to be 100% healed by the end of this experience!

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